||[Aug. 10th, 2011-10:51 pm]
reality is really hitting, and it hurts but feels right at the same time. change is in order (it has been, it's past due, i'm sitting in filth now) change is good a chance to become (feel) clean; a fresh start. the only thing serious; worth the worry (concentration, planning out) is where i'll be sleeping and when will i have a home again? preferably my own. |
it's funny how when life (living) starts to get difficult how many people find themselves unavailable. it's funny when things also change whether good or bad people find their reasons to disassociate themselves with you instead of trying to become apart of it, staying your friend. trying to continuously "enjoy each other's company, be useful to one another, and share a common commitment to the good." common commitment to the good. i am only trying to better what i've been handed. i cannot help what i have if it's bad unless i change it myself. so i go...
we all have something, struggle is everywhere. still i try to pursue to help. you cannot ask the same for others. everyones strength is different. so you must do what you can, always. and do not hide away from the ones who leave you hanging low. it shows much more character to never be spiteful.
though at this time i am not hiding, i am continuously refraining my mind into completely comprehending what's going to happen in the next two weeks, because i cannot predict how i will feel. i will take it as it comes. i will cry if i want to, i will laugh and pretend. i will go and go and go.
so my decisions are a little spontaneous at times and i find myself more impulsive or just laying around at justins if i can. sort of waiting. for? idunno.
in doing this, i have never really felt so completely alone even when knowing i am completely not. i have as much support as i'm going to get, so i will do with what i have. but it's all on me. so i feel alone because i've always been that kind of person who wanted to be apart of something, do something together with someone, a team; a stable family. but sometimes, more often than not, you will have to do things on your own. 24? this is only great practice.
i hope to find some peace. a steady line? my swag is calm, i'm looking upward stressfully. so i am happy in some ways, but with what's current, and most important, i am not.
i find myself separating from my family for awhile so i can be who i was meant to, i feel as though they are holding me back. not in the selfish way. we're growing apart.. and i can spend another 24 years trying to keep "fixing" everything, or i can try and live. remember when all i wanted was to die..? no, not anymore.
exhausted, but i'll still go.